I wouldn't eat out of hunger.
That is one thing that took me a long time to realize. It wasn't because I was a teen, nor because there was something wrong with me. I did not eat more just because I had less self-control. It wasn't because I was worse than everyone else. I wasn't lazy.
However, I did always feel inferior to my mom when it came to weight. I always felt like there was something wrong with me, and I would beat myself up for not being exactly like her.
In my family, I was known as being very sensitive, crying for any reason, and the only thing that would immediately help me feel better was something sweet. Anytime I felt bad, my parents would jokingly tease me by offering me a sweet because they knew it would make me feel better. And I knew they were right. I looked forward to that chocolate too.
I did not know yet how big of an impact those sweets would have on me later on.
I was a very quiet child. I did not bother my parents much and would lock myself in my room to be alone and find my own comfort. I learned early on to keep my emotions inside of me so I would not bother anyone or feel like a burden. I did not feel comfortable enough to go see them because I felt like I was too much.
The food that I would eat was always hidden in my closet because the food in my house was very controlled.
We had so much food in the garage, but I couldn't eat it. Therefore, I would sneak it into my room so that at least nobody could see me or judge me. There was so much control around food in the house: this is for mom, that is for your sister, don't touch this food, this food is reserved. So many piles of food in the garage filled with cereal, chocolate, chips that were just there, but if you were even going to take one, you would be punished.
You could eat this chocolate, but not that one. You were allowed to eat or take only the food that was permitted by mom.
There were so many fights about who ate what. The cycle still continues with my siblings eating something and then getting yelled at because it wasn't meant for them. Only eat what is given. All these strange restrictions and controls around food are bound to make you confused and lost.
I felt so out of control when it came to food.
If I went to a restaurant, party, resort, or a friend's house where there were endless amounts of food available, I couldn't resist and would end up overeating. My mom would comment on all the family members' eating habits, and some foods were reserved exclusively for her.
There was a period where I was counting my calories to try to lose weight, so I thought that following my mom's eating habits would help. If my mom ate 2 tomatoes, I ate 2 tomatoes. If she did not have that dessert, I would not have it either.
I told myself that all I lacked was willpower because I was physically unable to follow my mom's diet.
Why did I need to eat so much? Why was I never satisfied? Why would I always crave more?
My main goal was to look like her. I needed to be her exact weight, or else I felt like I wasn't good enough.
What didn't help is that I never felt true warmth or safety from my mom. She was not very emotional and had a hard time providing comfort for us. That distance with her was probably the main reason behind me filling that emptiness with food.
Whenever I was stressed, lost, lonely, angry, sad, or misunderstood, it all would end with emotional eating.
I thought that maybe if I looked like her, she would respect me more and we would become close.
I went through so many periods of restricting myself: a calorie deficit, working out 4 hours a day, only to gain it back a month later because my relationship with food was never fixed.
Even when I was at my thinnest, I was very unhealthy because my calorie deficit consisted of donuts and processed foods, which would still leave me hungry, leading to binge eating again.
I felt shame when working out in my room. I did not want people to know or hear what I was doing.
In high school, I would not bring my lunch on purpose, because I thought that I had to compensate for the huge amount of food I ate the night before. But the cycle remained. Not having lunch at school made me feel extremely hungry once I got home, so I would give in and overeat once again.
I was controlled by the impulse of getting food.
I never stopped to think about what I was doing. The sole thought of food made me get out of my room and, like a zombie, go towards it.
I never felt emotionally safe.
People around me would notice my weight changes, but nobody would ever ask me what happened. My mom would just comment on my weight but never took the time to ask me why I'm hiding wrappers in my room, why I suddenly gained 20 pounds, or why I had become so thin.
I still didn't feel satisfied with myself when I lost that weight, and it didn't motivate me enough to keep that weight off. I felt guilty for being a size bigger than my mom.
I always thought that I was a weak person, that I lacked willpower. I always beat myself up for falling into another binge eating episode after not doing it for a week. I would still binge eat while talking to a friend on the phone. These distractions did not help me stop eating. I was far too deep.
I did not open up to my family or friends about the struggle. They had no idea.
To this day, I still wonder how my family did not see what was going on with me. How could they not see that I was not doing well?
I clearly remember hiding in the bathroom during gym class because I was so scared to be seen in my gym t-shirt since I did not look the same as I had 2 months earlier in that same shirt. In university, I would come to class and not take off my coat because I did not want people to see my body.
My weight prevented me from feeling relaxed around others or making new connections.
I was always alone.
This relationship with food and my mom is what urged me to move out.
I knew that moving out is what I needed to do to finally fix my relationship with food, to finally be able to not fear it, not fear the reactions of people, not fear what would happen if I ate that piece. Being able to buy whatever I wanted, cook whenever, not being yelled at for being in the kitchen, or taking something that I wasn't supposed to, this is what stopped me from healing all those years.
The constant stress, fear, and unpredictability.
Why I Joined Step Together
When I saw the job posting, I felt like it was a miracle.
I could not believe that a program like this existed and needed people who went through the same experience. For the first time in my life, I felt like this was the job I needed and that it was meant for me.
I never knew I could relate so much. I never knew I could actually help people with my own personal experience that few people knew about. I never knew that something that was so big inside of me would be able to help others one day for a living.
The dream of being able to put my personal struggle into something useful came true.
Knowing that other families are going through the same thing and need help, I felt like I needed to help them. I wanted to make sure that we could prevent kids from growing up feeling the same way we did.
It was so nice to see that this program wasn't just another diet or weight loss program. It was so much more than that. The fact that it involves parents clearly showed me that this works, and that it was made by someone who understands that children need their parents for help, not a stranger.
Addressing all the holistic parts is what ensures that it will last, since all the tools you learn along the way help you understand yourself. What made me happy is that it is all tied to psychology, which I knew was the fundamental reason behind overeating and weight issues in kids.
This mission is still so personal to me because I see my own younger sisters struggling with this, and I really wish my parents were on board and wanted to help them, or even knew how.
Therefore, I really hope some other kids will get the help they need, because it is very painful to see your closest ones go through that, with no involvement or initiative from parents.
Weight issues in children are unfortunately so common nowadays that even a small impact in someone's life can go a long way.
How I'm Uniquely Positioned to Help
First of all, my siblings are going through the exact same thing I went through: same weight issues, same loneliness, same escape, same comfort from food.
I can see myself in them all over again.
I have a university degree in psychology and child studies. I specifically studied these subjects to find out more about how children operate, how they think, and how they feel. I think a part of me went into that field of study to be able to help my inner child, to heal her, and then to be able to help other children in the same situation.
I have worked in daycares and schools with kids with special needs, including autism, ADHD, behavioral, social, and emotional challenges, creating intervention plans and seeking the root cause of their problems. I have also worked with the parents of these children, who often denied their kids had a problem.
I quickly understood then that progress and change will only happen if parents are on board and willing to understand.
While studying, most of the papers I wrote were investigating eating disorders. I constantly tried to find some explanation, find the root cause, anything to help me understand what was going on with me, and how I could help others going through the same challenges. This constant research is what helped me understand my relationship with food.
Working with kids in school opened my eyes to how their behavior was tied to the food they were given at school or at home. I could see so many ADHD patterns with kids who ate processed foods, or spent all day on their tablets and phones.
Bad grades. Can't sit still in class. Forgets to do homework. Falling asleep in the classroom.
These are all things I've seen. And I knew it had to do with so much more than the child being uninterested.
I felt like I was not helping kids enough, or in the right way. I felt hopeless. I hit rock bottom. I needed to feel like I was changing someone's life for the better. I needed to feel like my experience was worth it. I wanted to share my knowledge with someone who would be able to get something out of it.
I was looking for more.
I'm deeply interested in holistic health and conscious living. What started as curiosity about the food industry has grown into a passion for understanding how food, products, and medicine affect our well-being. I love researching how different foods impact the body and hearing people's stories about how they maintain their health in all areas of life.
What I Want Every Parent to Hear
I think it's important to realize that most of the time, it's something in the child's environment that makes them overeat.
It's not about willpower.
There should be no shame or judgment because this addiction is just like any other one. The difference is that food is always there, and it's often overlooked because people don't associate food with something that can cause pain. Food is widely available for kids, and this addiction is as difficult to overcome as alcohol or cigarettes are for adults.
I hope parents understand that their emotions, and what they model, are some of the most important things a child sees and feels from them.
Kids constantly observe their parents' every move: their relationship with food, how they handle their feelings, and most likely, that is how the child will learn to do it too.
If my mom was comfortable expressing her emotions in a healthy way, I probably wouldn't have learned to go seek that comfort in food.
Kids are so malleable in both good and bad ways. However, if you learn the right way, it becomes a good thing because you know that your influence matters.
All you have to do is believe in yourself.
Know that building a healthy relationship with food and with your child is just the beginning. It will help open doors to so many more fun experiences together. You will grow and thrive together. It will even help you fix other areas of your life that are challenging right now, because you simply will have more energy and motivation to do so.
